who I am is of no importance
by tinpopgubblebum
Summary: He smiled charmingly and I couldn't help but feel spite towards him. He held her like she belonged to him... but all the same, she held onto him for dear life – because she did. She did belong with him. I'd never seen her look more perfect with another.


**Who I am is of no importance – one shot.**

"My world was full of inaccessible toys always bright, always cheerful yet seemingly out of reach." I gazed at the words that were painted gracefully on the wall beside the beautiful red head that sat opposite me on the bed. I could only laugh at that very statement.

I mentally grumbled a string of profanities and turned my attention towards the girl. The hurt was evident in her cold, coffee coloured eyes. Her high cheeks were red and tear streaked, stained with the black mascara and eye liner that that had followed the lead of her liquid pain.  
>And her wrists... her wrists were covered with wounds. Some were old, most new and the majority progressing dangerously swift towards being infected. It was torturous to see such an amazing<p>

creature make numerous attempts to end her life. It wasn't fair that while the rest of the world got to see her fake smile – the monstrous smile that managed to fool even the most learned of professionals, I was stuck with the repercussions of the pain that she bottled up.

I watched as a middle-aged woman walked into the room, her posture was taut with her slim arms folded into a stiff, immovable bow. The lady approached her daughter and placed a bony, manicured hand on Cat's shoulder. The flinch that Cat reacted with was an obvious sign of the lack of a relationship that the two shared. "Cat you need to stop overreacting when it comes to all of this." Her whisper was quiet and harsh. She wasn't at all emotive or respectful towards her daughter. I frowned at the mother's insensitive to her daughter's desperate plea for help. Cat only looked away from the woman that she oh so desperately wished to have some sort of connection with.  
>"She blames me you know?" She whispered with a heart breaking crack in her voice. "She blames me for ruining her life. She didn't get to have the life she wanted or enjoy her teenage years because I was born..." The bitter smile that graced her lips were cringe worthy.<br>_She's the idiot that didn't use protection or whatnot... it isn't your fault at all you silly girl! _

That was always how Cat and her mother communicated. When she was younger, Cat's grandmother watched over her. I was also always there... but because of my difference to the rest of them... I was never going to be seen in the same way. I watched over her and cared for her and loved her, of course – but she would never see me the way she saw _them. _I would just never be like them...

Throughout the years I knew Cat, I was the one she went to for support. Especially during her middle school years. Those years were the most unpleasant for the both of us. She was bullied, ignored and made to be an outcast. I was heart broken and furious at myself because I was unable to do much more than listen and offer silent support. I felt the tears atop my head every night before she slept; all I could do was be there and accept her hugs. I was forced to watch as she's created slits along her wrists and all I could do was cringe inwardly at the look of relief that danced across her pretty face every time the blade had finished its short venture.

Time and time again. She promised me that it would be the last time. Time and time again I'd hoped against hope that she would succumb to desperate please. But alas, the silence was always louder than my screams.  
>Her more suicidal tendencies began eight years ago while miss Cat Valentine was only eleven; ten years after I'd met and fallen in love.<p>

I'd spent many years with Miss Caterina. I lived with her through her worst times and through her lighter side of life. The period where she could truly smile. I'd always hoped that I alone would be the one that she would love the most – But one other gentle man had managed to win over her heart.

"Good day Mr. Arkle!" she greeted happily as she bounced into our shared bedroom. At the age of nineteen, Cat had grown into an even more remarkable young lady. Her eyes held a light that lifted my heart past the seams of my small head. The burgundy tresses that once only fell against her small, fragile shoulders cascaded down to the very top of her hips in messy, unrefined waves. She was indeed a beauty.  
>"Can you smell that? He's cooking tonight! He's actually going to cook for me!" She giggled childishly and out of character. We proceeded to spin around the room, the aroma of garlic, soy sauce and other exotic ingredients giving us an odd high.<p>

_'Oh Cat how I've missed seeing you smile like that,' _she smiled back at me and grinned as she heard a knock on the door.  
>"Cat? Cat who are you talking to?" a deep male voice was muffled by the oak doors that seperated the two rooms. The male pushed past the entry and grabbed her around the waist. She grinned and pinched his two cheeks as I lay forgotten on the bed. "Look at you, talking to yourself again." He smiled charmingly and I couldn't help but feel spite towards him. He held her like she belonged to him... but all the same, she held onto him for dear life – because she did. She did belong with him. I'd never seen her look more perfect with another. I so desperately wished that I could be the one she would look at with absolute adoration but that was never going to be my role to play. I wasn't like them.<p>

"Oh. Hello Arkie. I didn't see you there," he muttered in amusement. Beckett Oliver was a handsome fellow. His lean, muscular form was a reason for jealousy between Cat's friends. Myself included. His perfection seemed to radiate off of his every molecule – just quietly, I felt like stabbing him in the face. But of course, that was against the rules.  
>His endless chocolate orbs always shimmered with a bright, passionate flame – but I knew that was only because of Cat being around. He smiled at me as if he saw me. But he didn't. He had an obvious dislike for me. Quite similarly to my hate towards him actually... We were very, very, <em>VERY<em>protective of her and to us both, the other was only ever going to hurt her. I had a reason to believe that about him though.

He was her first love at the age of fifteen and she never let him go. No matter how many times he's broken up with her, made her cry or shattered her heart? She held onto him.  
>I was there each time she'd been reduced into tiny little pieces. The very first time she was dumped, it was on the first of August. She was completely shattered. She'd refused to speak to anyone. Her weight had dropped to an alarming 33.8 kilos and the worst part of it was; he didnt even have the decency to break up with her properly. The coward had done it over the phone. She held my hand that day and I refused to let her go. But every time he'd crawl back, she'd let me go and run back to him. So of course I still held a grudge against him for being a tossing wank job of a prick.<p>

I looked from Beck to Cat and felt out of place between the passionate glimpses the two shared. "Come on sweetie," he whispered affectionately as they held a look of longing. "Let's go have dinner before we head out," she grinned and planted a small kiss on his lips while she held onto my arm. It was very, very awkward for me... but what I thought didn't matter. It wasn't general knowledge that one like myself could think at all.

"Mr. Arkle is joining us for dinner and you are not to insult him during the night. Understood?" she stared heatedly at him as she poked his chest while he only offered a look of amusement.  
>"Oh I promise Mr. Arkle shalln't receive and form of insult from me tonight. Right fuzz ball?" he looked at me and I mentally snorted. Stupid sarcastic bast-<br>"Arkie!" Cat snapped as if she knew what that sentence would say. "You should know better than that you silly snookum!" I offered my best look of exasperation and she giggled. "Alright, alright! You're off the hook." She then turned back to Beck who watched our almost silent conversation with amusement and confusion.  
>"Cat. You know I love you but you're a down right nutter you know that?" she only grinned and continued to pull us by the arm into the dining room.<p>

–

Through my years in her life, I loved reminiscing about the happy memories I shared with Cat. It became almost necessary when she'd grown into an adult. She had less time for me. I was always there for her of course, I'd always be there for her... especially when she needed me the most. I had to evoke those memories especially when I had to lay beside her immobile form on the hospital bed.  
>After ten years, Cat dealt with issues in ways that no one else understood. Except of course Beck and I. But even he didn't know how far back her issues went. Only I saw her at her worst. It was that I loved her with all my heart; I was with her while she was at her worst or at her best. It was I that was heart broken after she and Beck had gotten engaged. It wasn't fair. But at the same time, her happiness was always going to be more important – and definitely more possible than mine anyway.<br>Because of my differences for Cat... Life for us would always be like this. An reciprocated love. I watched as Beck stroked her cheek affectionately and I felt my heart sink at the unchangeable notion that I was never, _ever_ going to be the one that would comfort her like that. It wasn't my place and it never would be. '_I love you Cat_'

I found it naïve to believe that Cat would ever love me as more than a friend. It was physically im possible...

It was as of my world was full of inaccessible toys always bright and cheerful... yet seemingly out of reach. No. Definitely out of reach. Damn the idiot that gave her that quote to paint onto her wall. Story of my freaking life.

"Oh no. Help!" My musings halted and all attention was given to the urgent cry of Beck who was panicking over Cat's still body. A spine chilling beep echoed through the room and Beck screamed in agony... Boy how I wished I had the power to scream like him. "Get a nurse in here now!" I was pushed to the side as a team of professionals tried their best to revive Cat from the slumber that was trying far too hard to pull her into a permanent darkness.  
>Each second that passed seemed to drag on for minutes – hours almost. The beep from the monitor mocked each second we were forced to wait.<br>The heartbeat that reverberated within my mind echoed deafeningly. It wasn't fair. She was where I needed to stay. She was where I belonged. She had to open her eyes. She had to get up. She had to... I wasn't sure what I'd do with out her... she was my best friend.

"Oh my dear!" the doctor exclaimed as she put a hand to her heart and sighed in relief. "She should be fine. Just a night scare. Everything is putting pressure on her mind so please, nothing strenuous for her! Meaning Mr. Oliver," she sighed as she adjusted the half moon spectacles that slid down her pointed nose. "Keep visitors at bay!"  
>Dr. Zoe Climetko had been Cat's doctor for the past fifteen years. "Look after her Beck, she's gone through way too much in her life." He nodded solemnly and frowned.<br>"Zoe I don't know what to do..." if only it were possible for me to sit this silly man over the head with a plank of wood... I would. "I love her and I cant lose her... she's connecting so many people and she doesn't realise it!" He groaned in exasperation and placed his head between her hands. "She's where my home is..."

I felt pity for the man that sat across from me. I could empathise with his feeling of belonfinf and connection to Cat. It was only then when it came to my attention that he and I were more alike than i'd first believed. But my disdain for him returned when i'd realised that he had my usual spot beside Cat's head on the bed. I lay forgotten on the lone armchair in the room 803 within the California Hospital Medical Centre.

As out of reach as she was throughout our life together... I'd never felt more alone and more out of place than that day. Even with the two humans that were in the room, I'd felt that I was the only on in my world. HA. _My_world... my world was full of inaccessible toys always bright, always cheerful yet seemingly out of reach. I laughed silently at the irony of that statement she would always be out of reach for me. But I was her toy. I was the bright, cheerful, grey and blue stuffed husky that was always there for her. We loved each other. I was made for her before her birth. I swore to myself that I would remain by her side until I was no longer needed. I was always going to be her Mr. Arkle, the grey and blue husky.

**Xxx**

muahah did that mindrape you? Did you know it was coming from the perspective of her toy?  
>Ahh im sorry my stories are so depressing but I really wanted to get this one out there :)<br>lemme know what you think. THANK YOU LOVERS.

Xox  
>tinpopgubblebum.<p> 


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